How to Win the Battle for Your Teen's Mind
On a morning not long ago, I read
an online group post that the teenage son of a well-known person in that
community had committed suicide. This
young man was from a family of faith and strong beliefs. It breaks my heart
when any parent must suffer the death of a child. There is no high school graduation, no more
birthdays, and no way of knowing how the Lord planned to use his life. The sorrow for the family will be ongoing and
the numerous “whys” may never be answered.
Even more heartbreaking was that
the last post from this teen on his Twitter profile, the day before he passed said
only: "goodbye."
The day before.
I know no other specifics of this
tragedy and why it may have happened, but it is said that he struggled with
depression.
To learn the warning signs of teen depression, visit
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/teen-depression-signs-help.htm
Do not hesitate to get help from a professional!
As a parent, how can I protect my sons from invisible enemies that assail them from all sides? What measures can I make that can make an impact as they navigate through the muddy waters of today’s society?
Two and three decades ago, the
teenage world consisted of going to school, hanging out at friends’ homes, working
a part-time job, and attending youth group.
We struggled with self-esteem issues, peer pressure, and dating
disappointments, yet it was in a much smaller world where we dealt with them. Conversations
with friends were in-person and real-time; we couldn’t imagine going very far away
from home.
Today, teens deal with many more
pressures and obstacles that make those years extremely difficult. They still do the same activities and have the
same issues as we did, but they must also deal with doubts of self-worth, depression,
bullying, dating violence, identity issues and even more. My husband and I feel as though we are
constantly at war to protect our boys from such adversaries.
Parents have a harder time identifying
what their teen is thinking and keeping track of where their teen is going, yet
young people can share anything and be anywhere in the world with just a swipe
or touch on a screen.
According to a recent Pew
Research Study, 73% of teens aged 13-17 today have smartphones,1
and with smartphones come unlimited data plans. In total internet use, 92% of teens are going
online daily, with 56% going online “several times a day.”2
Where is your teen going? From this same study, 76% of teens report
that they are going to social media platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Tumblr, Google+ and Vine. New
platforms gaining popularity are Tinder, Kik, Pheed, and WhatsApp.3
Our minds spin with the options our kids can access via their phones, tablets, and computers.
One thing to consider is that with
these online outlets, teens are connected to more than photos, videos, and
chats. They are exposed to viewpoints,
opinions, and communities that may not be aligned with a family’s values and beliefs. Social media is, in reality, pop-culture,
an environment that has an incredibly impressionable effect on the thinking
and opinions of today’s young people.
However, it is possible to pull your teen away from negative social media
influences and to help establish them with strong family values. The guideline
we use in our home is Engage, Edify,
Educate and Example.
Engage
Creating authentic communication
with our boys is not easy, but learning to be consistent has really helped
us. “A vital part of winning this war for the heart and
mind of our teen is real communication and quality time with them. This is a
critical and irreplaceable piece of the battle. We must regularly invest
intentional time and interest in our teen, and in those things that are
important to them.”4
In order to really
communicate with my kids, I have to work on my listening skills, not my talking
skills. I’ve learned that asking
questions is helpful for encouraging dialogue; however, sitting back and being quiet is then required. No judging allowed. Practicing this with my oldest, our
conversations together have become a safe place for him to share what is going
on in his life. As my strong-willed
child, this is a victory for me.
Edify
Critical
milestones such as celebrating birthdays, going with them to get their first driver’s
license, meeting their dates and driving them to their first job interview are moments
that make a significant impact on a teen’s life. Being with teens at life’s
important moments demonstrates how much they are loved and valued.
We
should not assume that a teen does not want to spend time with their
parents! In fact, “teens not only want to spend time with their parents, they
become angry and frustrated when they can't. The teenage years are the most
insecure that children experience. They badly need the presence of their
parents, both as company and as mentors.5
We grab opportunities
to spend time together as a family. It could
be errands followed by lunch, a road trip, the movies or somewhere local for
exploring. The family time our teens have
helped to plan creates a more enjoyable experience for everyone, in addition to
unforgettable memories.
Educate
My
husband and I use openings in conversations to impart wisdom from news events,
political issues or things from our daily life. If we have done well with
engaging and edifying, this step becomes easier because our boys will actually stop to
listen.
Recently
my oldest has started discussions of his own with us as a result of something
he has read on Reddit. When we have
listened and not devalued his opinions, it has opened the door for us to share
our own opinions and values.
Recalling
past conversations to re-emphasize a point has also helped us mentor. We may make
a statement such as: “Do you remember that discussion we had on . . . ? This is
a good example of what we talked about.”
We
commend them on good choices but also allow them to learn consequences from
not-so-good choices while they are still under our direction. Coaching them through the good and bad
choices will reinforce them as they make harder decisions in the future.
Example
Regardless of what a teenager says,
parents are and will be the most important and influential relationships in his
or her life. From CBN.com: “…parents have a lot more influence than they
realize. Not only are they [teens] listening, but more importantly, they are
watching you closely and modeling their lives after you. Whether you believe it
or not, parents are the biggest influence in their teens' life.”5 We agree
that we need to present a good example for our boys, but that also means we have to own
up to our mistakes. The expression “Do
as I say, not as I do” is not going to work with teens!
Stories
do seem to work well. The boys poke fun, but they enjoy hearing what it was like when we
were their age. (“How did you survive with only three TV channels?”) We share our mistakes, what we learned and in
some cases, share a laugh at our own expense.
With
social media as one of our parenting battles, limiting our own social media, along with theirs, is necessary. (Talking to
myself here!) If we overindulge ourselves with social media on our iPads, have
our smartphones at the dinner table and answer a text while in a discussion
with them, they will assume that it is an acceptable practice too.
While
the war we have with the world for the hearts and minds of our teens will never
seem to end, we can learn how to have weapons at the ready in order to defend
our family from the enemy. To keep our
teens from turning toward the world rather than to family, we can actively
listen, express to them their true value, encourage their opinions and be an
authentic example. Establishing a safe
place within your family will inspire your teen to keep their heart and mind at
home.
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References:
1. Pew Research Center. (2015, April 9). A Majority of American Teens Report Access to a
Computer, Game Console, Smartphone and a Tablet. Teens, Social Media and Technology Overview 2015. Retrieved from http://www.pewinternet.org/2015/04/09/a-majority-of-american-teens-report-access-to-a-computer-game-console-smartphone-and-a-tablet/
2. Pew Research Center. (2015, April 9). Mobile Access Shifts Social Media Use and
Other Online Activities. Teens, Social Media and
Technology Overview 2015. Retrieved from http://www.pewinternet.org/2015/04/09/mobile-access-shifts-social-media-use-and-other-online-activities/
3. J Stern. (2013, October 13). Teens
Are Leaving Facebook and This Is Where They Are Going. ABC News. http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/teens-leaving-facebook/story?id=20739310
4. J. Subers. 5 Strategies to Win the Battle for Your Teens Heart. (n.d.) Retrieved July 26, 2015 from http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/parenting/ages-and-stages/teens/5-strategies-to-win-the-battle-for-your-teens-heart
5. A Parent’s Influence. (n.d.) Retrieved July 26, 2015 from http://www.cbn.com/family/Parenting/BattleCry_Influence.aspx
6. Dr. S. Wooding. Teens Need and Want
Family Time. (n.d.) Retrieved July 26 2015 from http://www.calgaryschild.com/ages-and-stages/46-teens-need-and-want-family-time
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